An Open Letter to My Stalker
Dear Sarah (I think that is your name),
My throat hurts. It is probably your fault.
I know what you will say about this: “Let’s hug about that!” Please don’t. It was your ridiculous 24/7 hugging schedule that injured my throat in the first place. Any more and you may explode my brain, in which case you will be the one wiping my superior yet highly disgusting brains off the walls. I hardly know you anyway!
I honestly do not know why you are so enamored with me. Just because you are in sixth grade and I am in eighth is no reason to maul me every time I step onto the school bus. At least you no longer molest me with questions like you did the first day you were alerted to my existence. Unfortunately for me (and possibly you as well, due to the exploding-brain scenario), that has been replaced with your throat killing hugs. This makes me very uncomfortable and I would appreciate it if you would stop. I would really prefer not to suffocate.
Also, it was really awkward that time when I was quietly looking out the window singing a song from Chorus, and you demanded that I sing louder. I did, but I don’t sing often in front of others, and it would be no exaggeration to say that I hated it. There was simply no amount of happy whatsoever.
Even when I retreat into my cocoon of large, black, instrument cases, with my iPod turned all the way up, staring out the window with intensity, you seem quite intent on butting in, no matter the situation. (In fact, if zombies were attacking the bus, I am fairly sure that you would turn to me and say, “Oh no! Zombies! Let’s hug about that!” and proceed to squeeze my brains out. At least the zombies would clean them up for you.) Why would you do that? Are you drunk on coffee or something? (Sadly, the answer is probably yes.)
There is one positive thing I have to say: you always give me the window seat. Thank you for giving me a distraction from my own suffocation by huggage. It is appreciated.
I will be busy for awhile and will not be riding the bus. Please try not to murder anyone in the meantime. Or ever. Thanks in advance and have a nice day!
With all sincerity in my immediate disposal, Cobalt
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