Dear Everything, I miss you.
Why don’t things make me happy anymore?
I’m well aware that I am a person who thrives on new things, but I’m really sick of this. Life always changes, so that’s the original reason why I turned to the internet in this past year. It changes, but the old things are always there in the archives, and of course there’s always more great things out there when you really do have to move on.
Blogs were the first thing, these blogs on WordPress and Blogger. Dang, they made me happy. That was…over a year ago. Maybe around two years ago was their high point for me. I follow a couple still, but the ones that I enjoyed the most just…died. Including this one. I know that I’m going to abandon this again, I know I am, but I kind of miss this place. It’s the first little bit of this sea of information behind the screen that I could call my own.
There’s also DeviantArt, of course. Being an artist, I can’t forget that. I’ve always loved to poke around there, as many do, but my own gallery holds just one lone drawing. I was so dang excited to get on there, too. So what happened?
Now the big one. Proboards, specifically one little site that I love beyond love to this day. FourClans. It’s an rp forum based off of warrior cats, not a huge amount of people, but those who where there became so close to me, it’s unbeleivable. They took me in almost six months ago, at a distinct low point in my life. But in those first few days, I could hardly get off. See, I had actually been stalking the site for a while before, waiting patiently to turn thirteen. And when I did, I hurriedly signed up and made an introduction thread. I seem…so different, so changed from then to now, when I look at that old thread. I got around to a few other Proboards sites, became a better writer and a better person. I made a name for myself. Cobalt. It seems as natural as my own given name now. And yet, sometimes I wonder if this “Cobalt” is a different person from me.
But before any of this could happen, depression took me down to the lowest I’ve ever been. This thread explains it all, how awful I felt, how hopeless I was, how much they cared: link. When I look back on it, I could swear those people, those friends, whose real names I didn’t even know, I could swear they saved my life.
You read all that? If you haven’t, go back, read the whole thread. All of it. Alyona, I know you’re here. You have to know this. I’m sick of my own friends looking right past me, not even trying to understand.
Sick of them not realizing how much I always wanted to tell them.
Oh, I’m better now. Far better. I’ve found the right dose for my medicine, and I doubt I’ll bite again for a long time. I’m fine.
But that doesn’t mean I’m happy.
These are the people that saved me, right here. You will never know them like I do. You will never know all they have done for me.
All those people who saved me, though, they’re gone. Things came up and they didn’t have time for FourClans anymore. I help to run the site now, but the people who made it great for me are gone.
And the site alone can’t make me happy anymore.
This post…so ranty it’s painful. But no. I won’t read it over, I’ll just post. And then I’ll write another rant, and another, as many as it takes to get this all out. I’ve got so much to say, so much that I have never told anyone, that I doubt I can even explain.
But before I post the others, I post this one.
E-mail me when you read this, Alyona. And then, I’ll post the rest.
- Posted in: Uncategorized