Why don’t things make me happy anymore?
I’m well aware that I am a person who thrives on new things, but I’m really sick of this. Life always changes, so that’s the original reason why I turned to the internet in this past year. It changes, but the old things are always there in the archives, and of course there’s always more great things out there when you really do have to move on.
Blogs were the first thing, these blogs on WordPress and Blogger. Dang, they made me happy. That was…over a year ago. Maybe around two years ago was their high point for me. I follow a couple still, but the ones that I enjoyed the most just…died. Including this one. I know that I’m going to abandon this again, I know I am, but I kind of miss this place. It’s the first little bit of this sea of information behind the screen that I could call my own.
There’s also DeviantArt, of course. Being an artist, I can’t forget that. I’ve always loved to poke around there, as many do, but my own gallery holds just one lone drawing. I was so dang excited to get on there, too. So what happened?
Now the big one. Proboards, specifically one little site that I love beyond love to this day. FourClans. It’s an rp forum based off of warrior cats, not a huge amount of people, but those who where there became so close to me, it’s unbeleivable. They took me in almost six months ago, at a distinct low point in my life. But in those first few days, I could hardly get off. See, I had actually been stalking the site for a while before, waiting patiently to turn thirteen. And when I did, I hurriedly signed up and made an introduction thread. I seem…so different, so changed from then to now, when I look at that old thread. I got around to a few other Proboards sites, became a better writer and a better person. I made a name for myself. Cobalt. It seems as natural as my own given name now. And yet, sometimes I wonder if this “Cobalt” is a different person from me.
But before any of this could happen, depression took me down to the lowest I’ve ever been. This thread explains it all, how awful I felt, how hopeless I was, how much they cared: link. When I look back on it, I could swear those people, those friends, whose real names I didn’t even know, I could swear they saved my life.
You read all that? If you haven’t, go back, read the whole thread. All of it. Alyona, I know you’re here. You have to know this. I’m sick of my own friends looking right past me, not even trying to understand.
Sick of them not realizing how much I always wanted to tell them.
Oh, I’m better now. Far better. I’ve found the right dose for my medicine, and I doubt I’ll bite again for a long time. I’m fine.
But that doesn’t mean I’m happy.
These are the people that saved me, right here. You will never know them like I do. You will never know all they have done for me.
All those people who saved me, though, they’re gone. Things came up and they didn’t have time for FourClans anymore. I help to run the site now, but the people who made it great for me are gone.
And the site alone can’t make me happy anymore.
This post…so ranty it’s painful. But no. I won’t read it over, I’ll just post. And then I’ll write another rant, and another, as many as it takes to get this all out. I’ve got so much to say, so much that I have never told anyone, that I doubt I can even explain.
But before I post the others, I post this one.
E-mail me when you read this, Alyona. And then, I’ll post the rest.
No arguments. Posts begin starting soon.
In the future, all random drawings go here. Backgrounds on the 3rd, 5th, 7th, and 8th are not mine.
I really don’t know why. It’s just lineart and eyes so far.
Here it is:
Edit: I finished!
Background is not mine, it’s a random picture from flickr.
I thought I needed to post something.
I made this recently:
Well, here’s my explanation af the last post. If you haven’t read that yet, go do it. Anyways, I have a headache and blurry vision, so I don’t know if I’ll be any more coherent, but at least I can spell words right.
I have no idea what will happen, but I am writing a post at 12:32 am due to my inability to fall asleep and my refusal to let this blog die so early.
I have nothing to write about and it is late, so prepare for something that will likely be weird.
I had to actually clean my room today because my mom had people over. So now its clean and it feels weird. I also taped all my art back up on my walls, see:
Oh, nevermind, wordpress doesn’t like my ipad so i cant put in pictures. I just realized autocorrect is off so my “i”s don’t capitalize and cant doesn’t get apostrophized. And that should totally be a word. My arm hurts. Even though I am not even being coherent i am still putting two spaces after my periods. Cuz im awesome like that. And crepey. I dont even know what im talking about. Jist… Dont die blog, okay?
I wrote a lot so that is why i will have a new paragraph. This probably makes no sense at all cuz im not even looking at my speelling anymore and i dont want to change it even if i do and its wrong. Bit it probably is wrong. Very wrong. I should read this to morrow and see if it makes any sense at all. I dant even…. Pie. Ig is good. If this is dumb sorry but im really tired and… I forgot what i was going to say.
But none of this matters because only one person even reads my k blog. Im sorry alyona. I will analyse this tomaorrow and see if i can explain my self but hrig. Hrig. It soungds like anommmmm…. I probably dont make any sense at all. I am not coherent. I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE READING THIS. WELL YOU ARENT QUITE YET ANYWAYS BUT STILL OHcaps lock was o n sorry about that , i like the letter s and this whole paragraph is proboably just one big runon sentence.
If you didnt knoew i was 13 you might think i was drunk probably but i zam thirteen and im just really tired. So so tired. Noew that i have been completely weird i think i even said the word crepey somewhere in there i might be able to sleep a little. Or a lot. I jave school tomorrow. Crap. See you there alyona.
Ill just post it now even though ill probably be ashamed later.
Well, it’s tomorrow. I feel like an idiot. I’ll probably post later and explain myself but now I do have school so just enjoy all of my confusing misspellings.
Dear Sarah (I think that is your name),
My throat hurts. It is probably your fault.
I know what you will say about this: “Let’s hug about that!” Please don’t. It was your ridiculous 24/7 hugging schedule that injured my throat in the first place. Any more and you may explode my brain, in which case you will be the one wiping my superior yet highly disgusting brains off the walls. I hardly know you anyway!
I honestly do not know why you are so enamored with me. Just because you are in sixth grade and I am in eighth is no reason to maul me every time I step onto the school bus. At least you no longer molest me with questions like you did the first day you were alerted to my existence. Unfortunately for me (and possibly you as well, due to the exploding-brain scenario), that has been replaced with your throat killing hugs. This makes me very uncomfortable and I would appreciate it if you would stop. I would really prefer not to suffocate.
Also, it was really awkward that time when I was quietly looking out the window singing a song from Chorus, and you demanded that I sing louder. I did, but I don’t sing often in front of others, and it would be no exaggeration to say that I hated it. There was simply no amount of happy whatsoever.
Even when I retreat into my cocoon of large, black, instrument cases, with my iPod turned all the way up, staring out the window with intensity, you seem quite intent on butting in, no matter the situation. (In fact, if zombies were attacking the bus, I am fairly sure that you would turn to me and say, “Oh no! Zombies! Let’s hug about that!” and proceed to squeeze my brains out. At least the zombies would clean them up for you.) Why would you do that? Are you drunk on coffee or something? (Sadly, the answer is probably yes.)
There is one positive thing I have to say: you always give me the window seat. Thank you for giving me a distraction from my own suffocation by huggage. It is appreciated.
I will be busy for awhile and will not be riding the bus. Please try not to murder anyone in the meantime. Or ever. Thanks in advance and have a nice day!
With all sincerity in my immediate disposal, Cobalt
As I am now officially 13, I have a blog. So, hi, person! I will write about absolutely anything I find interesting, so hang on!
As this is being formulated just past midnight on my iPad and I don’t really know what I’m doing yet, everything will be pretty rough looking for a couple of days. I should have it fixed soon.
Enjoy the crepes and awesome!